Sam, Sam, Wake up Sam! Save us!

Promptly at 4 PM on April 9 ,1865 at Appomattox Courthouse the bucolic American Giant, known fondly as Sam, went for a short nap that lasted for 136 years. After four long years preserving the Union, Sam needed a rest. He stretched out across the countryside with his head among the old original colonies; his rump placed conveniently at the headwaters of the Mississippi (for the drainage you see, clever Giant), and his legs sprawled westward ho! across the prairies with his heels planted in L.A. and toes dangling almost to the Mexico line.

Sam, like Gulliver before him, is plagued with Lilliputians but these cheeky, diminutive pests are known here as the 'Minions'. While Sam nods off, these Minions wreak havoc in his name. They are always careful to do their mischief abroad so as not to awaken the Giant. And mischief it is. Greedy little buggers, these Minions, can't seem to get enough little island getaways around the globe. Been collecting them since the War with Spain. And power hungry!; those nettlesome gits have been showing the flag around the world for two hundred years. What started in Tripoli on tiny warships has metastasized to hundreds upon hundreds of flagposts everywhere on Earth.

All things end and so did our exclusive export of mischief abroad. Abruptly. Our sleeping beauty was jarred out of almost a century and a half of slumber by a frightful racket almost under his left year. Sam had been using Central Park as a pillow for ages but on September 11, 2001 he was rudely awakened by the noise and smoke. The trusty Minions rushed to assure him all was well.
"Go back to sleep, Sam", the Minions cooed. "We can handle it. We have ways". Sam should have stayed awake but old habits, and all that. No sooner had the old guy dozed off again; the bombing and invasions began in earnest.

We're into the tenth year now. Sam's still out cold. The Minions are running amok.
The place is a mess. Everybody hates the Minions and the country is broke from their excesses. What will it take to rouse him from his slumber and begin to take charge again? Sam, Sam, Wake up Sam! We need you, again.
ibid